Tilda Publishing
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Chandler and Monica enter. Oh, and Joey is wearing a FDNY T-shirt to make this the first nod to the tragedy that Friends have made.]
Monica: Hey you guys?
Ross: What?
Monica: I know it’s last minute, but we decided to have a Halloween party.
Phoebe: Oh good! (And there’s general excitement.)
Monica: And everybody has to wear costumes. (And there’s general disconcertment.) Come on! It’ll be fun!
Ross: Well, I’ll-I’ll be there. I mean I have to wear a costume to all my classes that day anyway so…
Rachel: Please tell me you’re not gonna dress up like a dinosaur.
Ross: (exhales sarcastically) Not two years in a row.
Joey: Look, I’ll come to the party but I’m not dressing up.
Monica: You have to!
Joey: No way! Look, Halloween is so stupid! Dressing up, pretending to be someone you’re not…
Chandler: You’re an actor!
Monica: Wait! You’re supposed to wear a costume!
Rachel: I am! I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress and she wants to wear it, because soon she won’t be able to fit into it.
Monica: Oh.
Rachel: Ahh!
Monica: I’m Catwoman, who wants to borrow the dress when you’re too big for it.
Rachel: Okay.
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Kids: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Oh! Oh! Can I give out the candy? I really want to be with the kids right now. Y’know, ever since I got pregnant I-I have the strongest maternal instincts.
Kids: Trick or treat!!
Phoebe: Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again.
Monica: So we do Supergirl.
Phoebe: No, it’s me. Phoebe!
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom wearing a big, pink bunny costume) Monica! Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume…
Rachel: (To Monica) Oh, you did this to him?
Monica: What?! I thought he’d love it! His favorite kid's book was the Velveteen Rabbit!
Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!
Monica: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all.
Chandler: No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Monica: You didn’t dress up either?!
Joey: Yes I did! I’m Chandler. (Looks at Chandler) Dude, what happened?
Chandler: How is that me?
Joey: Okay. I’m Chandler (makes a growling/gurgling sound at the end and the girls laugh.)
Phoebe: (To Chandler) That is so you!
Chandler: When have I ever done that?!
Joey: When have I ever done that?! (And does the sound again.)
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Ross: (entering) Hey! (He’s wearing a costume as well.)
Rachel: Hey.
Monica: What are you supposed to be?
Ross: Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik? (They all look at him.) Well, I’m a potato or a…spud. And these are my antennae. (Points to the colander with an old TV antenna glued on top that he’s wearing.) So Sputnik, becomes… (They’re still confused) Spud-nik. Spudnik!
Chandler: Wow! I don’t have the worst costume anymore!
Joey: (sees Ross) Hey all right, Ross came as doody.
Ross: No, I-I’m not doody.
Monica: No, space doody!
Eric: Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, and it’s not like me to do something so impulsive, but she’s just so perfect, and we have so much in common.
Phoebe: Oh really?
Eric: We’re both teachers.
Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.)
Eric: And we were both in the Peace Corps.
Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I don’t know.")
Eric: In fact when we were building houses in Uruguay, we were, we were just two towns apart and we never met.
Ursula: Yeah. It wasn’t a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. (To Eric) Shall we get me really drunk?
Eric: Sure.
(They walk away.)
[Cut to Mona and Ross walking past Chandler.]
Chandler: Howdy doody.
Ross: That’s funny. Yeah. Y’know you’re the funniest man here in a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear.
Chandler: Oh relax man, relax. You’re looking a little flushed.
Monica: Hey you guys?
Ross: What?
Monica: I know it’s last minute, but we decided to have a Halloween party.
Phoebe: Oh good! (And there’s general excitement.)
Monica: And everybody has to wear costumes. (And there’s general disconcertment.) Come on! It’ll be fun!
Ross: Well, I’ll-I’ll be there. I mean I have to wear a costume to all my classes that day anyway so…
Rachel: Please tell me you’re not gonna dress up like a dinosaur.
Ross: (exhales sarcastically) Not two years in a row.
Joey: Look, I’ll come to the party but I’m not dressing up.
Monica: You have to!
Joey: No way! Look, Halloween is so stupid! Dressing up, pretending to be someone you’re not…
Chandler: You’re an actor!
Monica: Wait! You’re supposed to wear a costume!
Rachel: I am! I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress and she wants to wear it, because soon she won’t be able to fit into it.
Monica: Oh.
Rachel: Ahh!
Monica: I’m Catwoman, who wants to borrow the dress when you’re too big for it.
Rachel: Okay.
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Kids: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Oh! Oh! Can I give out the candy? I really want to be with the kids right now. Y’know, ever since I got pregnant I-I have the strongest maternal instincts.
Kids: Trick or treat!!
Phoebe: Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again.
Monica: So we do Supergirl.
Phoebe: No, it’s me. Phoebe!
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom wearing a big, pink bunny costume) Monica! Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume…
Rachel: (To Monica) Oh, you did this to him?
Monica: What?! I thought he’d love it! His favorite kid's book was the Velveteen Rabbit!
Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!
Monica: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all.
Chandler: No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Monica: You didn’t dress up either?!
Joey: Yes I did! I’m Chandler. (Looks at Chandler) Dude, what happened?
Chandler: How is that me?
Joey: Okay. I’m Chandler (makes a growling/gurgling sound at the end and the girls laugh.)
Phoebe: (To Chandler) That is so you!
Chandler: When have I ever done that?!
Joey: When have I ever done that?! (And does the sound again.)
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Ross: (entering) Hey! (He’s wearing a costume as well.)
Rachel: Hey.
Monica: What are you supposed to be?
Ross: Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik? (They all look at him.) Well, I’m a potato or a…spud. And these are my antennae. (Points to the colander with an old TV antenna glued on top that he’s wearing.) So Sputnik, becomes… (They’re still confused) Spud-nik. Spudnik!
Chandler: Wow! I don’t have the worst costume anymore!
Joey: (sees Ross) Hey all right, Ross came as doody.
Ross: No, I-I’m not doody.
Monica: No, space doody!
Eric: Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, and it’s not like me to do something so impulsive, but she’s just so perfect, and we have so much in common.
Phoebe: Oh really?
Eric: We’re both teachers.
Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.)
Eric: And we were both in the Peace Corps.
Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I don’t know.")
Eric: In fact when we were building houses in Uruguay, we were, we were just two towns apart and we never met.
Ursula: Yeah. It wasn’t a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. (To Eric) Shall we get me really drunk?
Eric: Sure.
(They walk away.)
[Cut to Mona and Ross walking past Chandler.]
Chandler: Howdy doody.
Ross: That’s funny. Yeah. Y’know you’re the funniest man here in a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear.
Chandler: Oh relax man, relax. You’re looking a little flushed.